The Value of My Time Is the Version of Me I Haven’t Met Yet

It’s funny how much time I used to spend so much time trying to be understood.

I would be the person that would write those long, careful messages. Replaying conversations in my head. Wondering if I should've said it differently, softer.

I got to a place where I wasn't just advocating for myself, I was now managing other people’s responses. Holding the emotional weight of it all.

Now?

I really want to spend that time differently.

Because the older I get, the more I realise: my time is a mirror. And if I keep giving it away to manage other people’s feelings, I’ll never get to see who I am outside of that role.

Outside of work.

Outside of expectation.

Outside of always 'doing the right thing'.

This year has been so important for me, as I’m sitting with one big question,,,,

How do I make more time for myself?

And this is more than just in my calendar, but going a bit deeper and thinking about what does that look like in my mind.

In my body.

In the quiet in-between moments where something new could emerge, if I just slowed down to make space for it.

Classic, eldest daughter. A large part of my life has been shaped by being the responsible one.

Kinda like 'the emotional translator'.

The fixer.

The person who gets it.

And while I have grown all of the skills that makes me empathetic and always able to adapt, it’s also made me tired.

Tired in that deep, in your bones way.

I don’t want to be endlessly capable.

I want to be available to myself.

I want to be deliberate about where my time goes, and who it’s for.

I want to stop spending it on relationships or dynamics that leave me depleted, and start investing it in the version of me I haven’t met yet.

And what does that look like?

It looks like unstructured mornings.

It looks like refusing to explain myself to people who haven’t shown they want to understand. It looks like noticing when I’m slipping into the role of fixer, and choosing not to.

It looks like silence.

Long showers.

It looks like giving myself permission to be someone other than the emotionally mature one in the room.

And the outcome?

Getting closer to discovering the person I am outside of work.

So, today - this is a gentle note to myself to...

Choose differently. 

Choose your time the way you choose your words, with intention, care, and an eye on the long game.

Because the value of my time? It’s not just in what it produces. It’s in what it allows.

Focussing less on reinvention, and more on redirection.