The Power of No

There is something incredibly powerful about a clean, unapologetic no. 

Not a maybe, not a let me explain why, not a let me soften this so you don’t feel bad about it.

Just a firm, clear, no.

Full stop.

End of discussion.

I was reminded of this recently by a client (one of my favourites to be fair) who agreed to do an interview with a journalist.

Everything was set up and, as is standard practice, the comms team insisted on being in the room.

And this client?

He simply said.

No, I don’t have the comms team in the room. No justifications, no softening, no bending.

Just....

...That’s not how I do things. 

And that was that.

I really loved the clarity of it!

The certainty!

He refused to engage in a conversation about why.

He knew what worked for him, he stated it plainly, and he moved on.

And, of course, there’s privilege baked into that. Not everyone can say no and have it land so cleanly.

But I still think the lesson stands.

What I took away was that you are allowed to define the terms under which you do things.

Your no is your no.

And that’s enough.

I’ve been doing this more, and the responses are fascinating.

Some people take it in stride...Got it, respect that, let’s move on. 

Others?

Oh, others take it personally.

Suddenly, it’s you’ve hurt my feelings, you’ve upset the balance of the universe, how dare you set a boundary?

And what I’m finding is that the people who respect my no, who can hold space for their own boundaries while respecting mine, are instantly more trustworthy in my eyes.

The ones who flail, who need you to coddle them through your clarity?

They tell on themselves.

It reminds me of a creator I watched recently who talked about how some men put on being good like a costume.

They perform goodness outwardly, saying all the right things, adopting all the right postures. While behind the scenes, their values are in the gutter.

It’s the performance of being good, rather than the practice of being good.

And this feels like what I have experienced. Some people perform niceness.

They smile.

They use warm words.

They couch everything in agreeable tones, but the moment you establish a boundary, that facade cracks.

They don’t actually respect you.

They just want you to be easy.

And this brings me back to something I wrote about recently. Being okay with being the villain in someone else’s story.

Because sometimes clarity will make you the villain. And that’s fine.

I feel like we have been so conditioned, especially as women, especially as Black women.

To be nice.

To be palatable.

To smooth out our edges so we don’t make anyone uncomfortable.

And there’s a time for cooperation, sure. But sometimes? Sometimes there isn’t.

There’s a quote I saw once that encouraged, Women need to show up with the energy of a mediocre white man. 

And I get it.

Not in an arrogant for the sake of it way, but in a why am I over-explaining myself when a man would have just said no and moved on way.

So here’s what I’m holding onto.  

No IS a full sentence.

Clarity isn’t cruelty.

And the people who can handle that? Those are the ones worth keeping around.