The Love I Thought I Had vs. The Love I Actually Want
...whew.. this was hard to write...
It turns out I've spent a decent chunk of my life mistaking love for other things. And honestly, if you'd asked me a year ago, I'd have confidently told you I knew what love was.
Of course I knew.
It was deep connection, an occasional grand gesture. Someone turning up in the rain with a bouquet of flowers. That kind of thing.
Because, as it turns out, apparently, most of us aren't experiencing love at all. We're experiencing one of its very convincing knock-offs:
Care (which looks a lot like love but isn't) OR
Cathexis (which feels like love but isn't).
And suddenly, I could see my past relationships for what they really were...one part care, one part cathexis, and not as much love as I had hoped..
And here's the bit that I can't stop thining about. It wasn't just about what he did or didn't do. I played a role in it too. I wasn't just in the relationship....
I was performing love.
Because deep down, I didn't think I want to admit that I had never actually been in love before. I'd had boyfriends, sure. I'd done relationships.
But love? Actual love?
I wasn't sure I'd ever felt it.
So when I found myself in this relationship, I thought...this is my chance. This is when I finally prove that I know how to do this. That I'm not an alien.
That I can tick the box that says 'experienced love'.
And people reinforced it.
Oh, he looks at you like such a puppy! You can tell he absolutely adores you! And unconsciously, or maybe even quite consciously...
I thought, okay, well, if everyone else can see it, then I guess it must be true.
So, I threw myself into the script.
I played the role.
I did all the things that a 'good' girlfriend does, even when some part of me was whispering, but this doesn't feel right.
I silenced that voice because I didn't want to hear it.
Because if this wasn't love, then what did that say about me? What did that say about all the effort I was putting in?
The creator I was listening to talked about how love, real love, is about nurturing another person's growth. Not just meeting their needs, not just feeling intensely about them, but actually investing in them as a person.
Not in a controlling, I'm-going-to-make-you-better way, but in a I-see-you, I-hear-you, and I-want-you-to-expand-into-the-fullest-version-of-yourself way.
And this is where it all fell apart for me.
Because I looked back at my last relationship. And he tried. He booked big, extravagant trips. He planned lavish birthdays.
He cared.
But he didn't see me.
He didn't listen.
He didn't try to understand me beyond what was comfortable for him.
And I realised that wasn't love. It was care. It was effort, but effort that didn't necessarily require knowing me.
And then there was the cathexis...this emotional intensity, this deep attachment that wasn't actually about me, but about what I represented to him.
He liked being with me.
He liked the idea of me.
He liked what it said about him to have me in his life.
But love? .... hmm
Love, well that would have required him seeing me as more than 'his partner,'.
So, I played along. I convinced myself that maybe I was the problem.
Maybe I was broken when it came to love.
Maybe my expectations were too high, or I was asking for too much emotional depth from a man in his late forties, who'd spent a large part of his life avoiding any kind of meaningful self-reflection.
Maybe I should just accept that emotional connection wasn't part of the package, and that if I wanted that, I'd have to get it from my friends instead.
But that wasn't love either.
That was me negotiating with myself about my own needs, pretending they were optional.
That was me believing that love was something you performed rather than felt.
And then, of course, I went down a full Bell Hooks rabbit hole.
Because once you start seeing this stuff, you can't unsee it.
Life isn't the same.
Love isn't the same.
I can't look at relationships in the same way. I can't pretend I don't know what I know now. And it's not like I've just read a nice theory and nodded along.
I literally cannot love in the way I used to.
The good thing is that I know that I want now is presence. Someone who doesn't just want me to be there but wants me to be.
Who supports my growth even when it's inconvenient. Who doesn't see my evolution as a threat but as something to be excited about.
And I think the biggest realisation of all is that this is not asking for too much. For so long, I thought it was.
I thought love was about being good enough for someone to care for me.
But I know now that love isn't about care.
Care can exist without love.
Care can exist alongside neglect.
Care can be given out of duty, obligation, routine.
What I am understanding though is that 'Love is A choice’.
So this is a reminder to myself that love should not feel performative.
Rememebering that I should trust myself. Because that voice I kept silencing during my last relationship?
It knew.
It always knew.
So I suppose that this is a thank you to Bell Hooks.
And thank you, past me, for trying, for figuring it out, for getting me to this point.
