Maybe in another lifetime..

195 days.

I didn't realise that's how long it had been since I heard from him until I checked. It wasn't like I was counting or anything. But when I saw his name pop up on my phone after all this time, it was like the air shifted, so I checked.

And just like that, the past came rushing back in. Not forgotten. Just buried under the day-to-day. Turns out he was there in the background all along, like that half-finished book you keep meaning to pick up again.

But time for being real, it hurt when he left.

And yeah, I told myself what you're supposed to: When people show you who they are, believe them. Maya Angelou's words hit hard.

He showed me he wasn't ready, and I believed him.

He left, and I had no choice but to believe that too.

I tried to file it away under lessons learned, but those lessons always come with baggage, don't they?

So when he got back in contact today, I was caught off guard. I didn't expect him to come back, not like that.

And what he sent wasn't some weak apology or a half-hearted attempt to pick up where we left off. It was different. Raw. He wasn't trying to win me over.

He was just… honest.

He talked about how he wasn't whole, and how he couldn't be the person he wanted to be not for me, not for anyone.

And weirdly, that made it harder. Because it wasn't about me.

It never was.

In a way, that was comforting. But it was also painful as hell. He didn't leave because he didn't care.

He left because he did.

And there's something about that realisation that leaves you sitting there, staring at your phone, feeling both grateful and gutted.

Mental health is a tricky thing. I knew that already, but his message made it impossible to ignore. He was fighting his ownbattles, and I couldn't be part of that fight. It wasn't my job to save him, and it never could've been.

But that doesn't make it any easier to sit with.

The whole thing reminded me of one of the incredible song Next Lifetime by Erykah Badu. I've had it on repeat since his text. It's not quite the same story, there was no other person keeping us apart, but the core of it is the same.

Timing.

Sometimes, you meet someone who feels like they're meant to be in your life, but life says, Not this time. 

There's a line in the song about meeting again, in the next time as butterflies - ha! And I can't stop thinking about it.

Maybe that's what this is.

Maybe we'll meet in another life, another form. Or maybe this was the entire point was just to meet, to learn something from each other, and move on.

I don't know.

What I do know is that you can care about someone and still have to walk away. You can't hold yourself hostage to hope. I've learned that the hard way. And honestly, it's taken me a while to understand what boundaries reallyare. They're not about shutting people out. They're about saying, I love you, but I love me too. 

You can't stay in limbo forever, no matter how much you wish things could be different.

He came back, yes. But not in the way I'd imagined. He came back with truth, not promises. And now, it's my turn. I'll always care about him, that won't change.

But I'm not waiting.

Not anymore.

Maybe there's a future where we meet again, somewhere in the 'cosmos' (his words) or as butterflies...

But for now?

I'll keep moving forward, holding care and clarity in both hands.

I'll see you ‘next lifetime’….. maybe.

But in this one?

I'm choosing me.