Learning to Rest…

What if I don’t want to have a growth mindset anymore?

That thought’s been sitting with me a lot recently. I exist in worlds that think a lot about moving forward, striving, winning, doing the next big thing.

I’ve been that person for most of my life, which is probably why I exist in these worlds.

But right now?

I don’t want to.

I’m just tired. Not “have an early night and you’ll feel better” tired.

Deep tired.  

I am starting to realise that it s that kinda tired that comes from always being on, always chasing something....

And don't forget our friend, guilt! ha ha..

The invisible pressure weighing on me, like I’m breaking some rule of life. If I’m not constantly growing and achieving, then what am I even worth?

It’s hard to shake because this mindset has been a part of me for so long. I think back to when I was about twelve that’s probably when it all started.

My school decided I was should move into the ‘fast track' class. This basically meant doing more. More expectations, more subjects, more pressure. We were in this separate year group of our own. Most kids did double science, but not us. We were doing triple: Biology, Chemistry, Physics. And it wasn’t just science. There was also English Language AND English Literature.

It was relentless, but I never questioned it.

I just got on with it because that’s what you did. That’s what was expected. I learned early on that life was about going places, and you kept going.

Fast forward 30-odd years, and here I am. Still on the track. Project after project, climbing ladders, switching careers, taking on new challenges.

And now I’m here, in this weird limbo where I feel like I should want something, but I don’t.

Not really.

I’ve always had a goal, something to work towards.

And now that I don’t?

Well, that’s when the guilt kicks in again: 

You’re wasting your potential. You’ve got so many opportunities, and here you are doing nothing.

My friend Tamara asked me, What are you hoping to feel that’s different from what you’re feeling now? And honestly? I don’t know. I think I want a spark, something that excites me or gives me a sense of purpose again.

But maybe I’m not ready for that yet. Maybe I’m in a kind of recalibration phase, and instead of rushing to find answers, I need to sit in this space and let myself rest.

But it’s uncomfortable. I’m so used to being on the go that the idea of truly resting, without guilt or a hidden agenda, feels foreign.

And then there’s the other voice in my head saying, Is this it? Are you really just going to coast through life on cruise control now? I keep wondering what people who don't practice 'a growth mindset' actually do.

Is it just waking up, doing a few things, rinse and repeat?

Maybe that’s not as bad as it sounds.

Maybe it’s not aimless.

Maybe it’s just… life.

Maybe being present and showing up is its own kind of purpose, but I’ve never let myself live that way before.

Just ask anyone who has grown up in an African household - rest is really not a thing. Because you have been conditioned to believe that rest is a waste of time.

That if you’re not striving, you’re falling behind.

But I’m slowly starting to question that.

Maybe success doesn’t have to be this constant climb.

Maybe it’s about learning how to be still, to let yourself breathe and reconnect with who you are beyond all the goals and projects.

So yeah, no big goals, no grand plans. Just trying to figure out what it means to be without constantly doing.

Maybe that’s a different kind of growth.

Or at least I hope it is.